The Night of the Nicked Nicholas
by SilverShadow44
Summary: See - this is why I can't be allowed nice words . . . . Just a bit of doggerel verse for the holidays, with apologies to poor Clement Moore (whose work I have alas parodied before)! Merry Christmas, y'all!


**The Night of the Nicked Nicholas**

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the train,

The only sound heard was the soft fall of rain.

The agents and engine crew were all tucked in their beds,

While visions of saloon girls danced in their heads,

When up from some 'books' there arose such a clatter,

Both agents roused to see what was the matter.

"What does Washington want this time?" a weary Jim West yawned.

It wasn't even daylight, and a new assignment dawned.

"It's the Eccentrics," Arte listened, then paled with a pause.

"According to this, they've got Santa Claus!"

Jim scowled as they saddled up, "Manzeppi's gone too far!"

And off to save Christmas they rode from the railcar.

The scene of the crime was fortunately nearby.

It was as if, to escape, the villains didn't even try.

"It must be a trap," Jim said to Arte with a wry grin.

Then of course his choice of action was to stride straight in.

But Arte hung back to don a disguise,

In case they needed the element of surprise.

Jim entered the Count's hidden underground lair,

And saw a ghastly scene in a chandelier's flare.

Santa was tied up, his sack had been nabbed,

And another jolly fat man into the stash grabbed.

"You won't leave me coal this time!" Count Manzeppi crowed,

To his captive. "Instead, I'll take your whole load!"

But a frown came over that crime-riddled soul,

For his hand pulled out nothing but coal!

"It's no trick," Santa sighed. "The sack works as it should.

No other gifts for you until you are good!"

"That probably won't happen," Jim said, striding out,

Gun drawn as he heard (too late!) wicked Villar shout.

A lasso dropped down from the ceiling on Jim,

Tying him tight as Julio cried, "we've got him!"

West couldn't believe he'd fallen for the ploy –

The agent taken captive by a misfit toy!

"Let Santa go!" he said, though losing his gun,

"You can't ruin Christmas for everyone!"

"Can't I?" Manzeppi laughed, with a flourish most florid.

"For you, Mr. West, I've planned something more horrid."

A pit of spikes near West's feet opened on the floor,

But suddenly there came a knock on the gang's door.

"See who it is," the Count to his henchman grumbled,

"then kill them." And to the entryway Villar bumbled.

"I'm late! I'm late!" an elf delivery man wailed in distress.

"A gift for Jim West – North Polar Express!"

"I'll take that!" Manzeppi snarled with resent.

"I'm the only one here who deserves such a present!"

"I'm inclined to agree," the arty elf made a joke,

As the package the Count grabbed shot his face full of smoke.

Neither of the Secret Service agents were dopes –

Jim used the distraction to break free of the ropes.

As Arte decked Villar, with Manzeppi in tears,

Jim rescued Santa, the sack and eight chained-up reindeers.

"Thanks, Arte," Jim glanced 'round, "though I've just gotta say,

Should we be worried the dummy got away?"

Manzeppi also disappeared, but Villar was down on the ground,

And yet, of Julio, no trace could be found.

"We'll get him next time," Arte sighed, as Santa said,

"I'm grateful, boys! But I've got a busy night ahead!"

"Think you can still make it?" Jim glanced with worry,

As the outside rain changed to a flurry.

"No problem!" Santa laughed. "I'm more than just quick!

Time's on my side! After all, I'm St. _Nick_!"

As he hopped in his sleigh and the boys went back to their horses,

Their paths resumed their very different courses.

Or so it seemed – yet when the agents got back to their track,

They found Santa had visited, along with his sack!

Their stockings were filled, and the varnish car too,

With gifts for the agents, and not just a few.

Presents for the engineers, Blackjack and Mesa as well!

Though on memories of the past year the agents could dwell.

"Considering all the women we've kissed,"

Arte remarked, "I thought we'd be on the naughtier list!"

But Santa disagreed, as his sleigh rode out of view,

"Merry Christmas!" he shouted. "West and Gordon, thank you!"


End file.
